At the Foot of the Cross

Today. Today was good. Or well? Just a little tip, I'm terrible when it comes to grammar so forgive me now because I will be writing what I'm thinking (which is not proper grammar at all). So anyways....

Today was decent. I spent 5 hours sitting in Indian-style working on a painting for my mother. I'm very pleased with it so far. Not much left to do on it. I think it's my best yet. Other than that, it has been a pretty lazy day, but as some lazy days do, it came with plenty of time to think. Quite a bit has been going on in my life lately, much of which is hard to take in at once. Learning to cope with these new discoveries and awarenesses is really taking a tole on my mind, my soul, and my heart. It is rough, I tell you what, but I knew from the start things weren't going to be a bundle of daisies. What hurts the most for me, is I can't help but ask myself, why didn't I take action sooner? I know I was scared, but mostly I didn't think anything was seriously wrong with me. So I sat and painted and thought. I thought about how this one discovery changes everything. If only I had known sooner? Is it even that big of a deal? I know it is because my heart is telling me every single second that goes by. It hurts more and more everyday as I slowly begin to put things together, begin to match up my wrongs and insecurities, and realize I need help. I've needed help. So now I'm seeking it physically, mentally, and spiritually. Oh how much it hurts to bring out my darknesses into God's light. The constant thinking what have I done, what have I done! I can't help but fall to my knees and cover my head with my hands in shame. I don't want anyone to see me. To see me for who I really am. I wish so badly I could take everything back. Rewind several years back and start new. But I can't. I can't change what I've done. But I can change who I have become.

I love to sing and play guitar. It is my passion and my dream. It is who I am. I love to write songs; every single one of them a little piece of my heart. I love to play worship music. There is always a song that goes along with how I feel or what I am going through at moments in my life. So a song instantly came into my mind today. Once it did, I pulled out the sheet music and my guitar and started wailing away. I'm not totally positive at what the title is but I'm going to call it

"At the Foot of the Cross"

At the foot of the cross,
where grace and suffering meet,
You have shown me Your love,
through the judgment You received.
And You've won my heart,
yes You've won my heart, now I can...

Trade these ashes in for beauty,
and wear forgiveness like a crown.
Coming to kiss the feet of mercy,
I lay every burden down,
at the foot of the cross.

At the foot of the cross,
where I am made complete.
You have given me life,
through the death You bore for me.
And You've won my heart,
yes You've won my heart, now I can...

Trade theses ashes in for beauty,
and wear forgiveness like a crown.
Coming to kiss the feet of mercy,
I lay every burden down,
at the foot of the cross.



These lyrics move me to tears every time and the music is incredible! To believe that God can take my ashes, my shame, and turn it into something beautiful, forgiving me for everything! Everything! I love the part "I lay every burden down"...because that is what God wants us to do. Come as we are, imperfect and broken, and lay it at His feet. Lay everything at His feet. God is amazing!