Holding on Loosely

Life. It's funny isn't it? I love how we have these dreams and these goals, our own plans for our life, and in a split second God can change them. I've really begun to realize how set I thought college was suppose to be. Graduate in four years, get married, move away and find a job, raise a family. And that was it. Nothing else. Boy did that take a whirlwind. I've always worried about graduating on time. Since the summer before I entered A&M I have yet to be completely sure with what I'm suppose to do with my life. I thought I had finally figured it out. And of course I started planning then on after. I need to do this, this, and this. This has to get done by this time and so on. But really, it doesn't. Yeah advisers, parents, whoever it is, they tell you "graduate in four years" "you need to know exactly your plans by your sophomore year". Yeah that might be the "ideal" for college students today, but that really shouldn't matter. God has His own timing for everyone. Some sooner than others. I'm beginning to realize that God has made the decision to make me a "late bloomer" if you want to call it that. And through the whole process He is really teaching me patience and trust.

I could not be more thankful for the parents I have. These past two days I have finally broken out of my comfort zone, have began to ask questions and talk to those who have the same interests as me. I could not be more blessed for the girls in ASC as well. Trying to figure out what God has in store for me has been a really big struggle, especially right now. Talking with my parents and girl friends have really encouraged me to take on my dreams. Yet, as Ashley told me (thanks to Donna Stuart) we must hold on to everything loosely because we never know when God is going to change our hearts and our direction. I loved that! So often do we try to do exactly what "we" want to do, what "we" think we are to do, when really maybe that is not what God wants at all for us, or at least permanently. Jeremiah 29:11 is such a popular verse but wonderful! It reads "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Along with that I absolutely love (another familiar verse) Isaiah 40:30-31, "Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Chasing our dreams can be difficult, giving up dreams or plans we have set for ourselves is even harder to give up, but God has a plan for everyone and He will get you there. The road might be long, hurtful, and tiring but everything will work out in the end. It is what God has intended for us all along.

So I'm in waiting I guess you could say. Or as Donna Stuart and Ashley put it so well, "holding on loosely". I'm ready, Lord. Take me as I am and use me for your will.

A few verses for encouragement:

"And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light." ~Colossians 1:10-12

"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you."
~Colossians 3:11-13

"In the presence of God and of Christ Jesus, who will judge the living and the dead, and in view of his appearing and his kingdom, I give you this charge: Preach the Word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage—with great patience and careful instruction. For the time will come when men will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear." ~ 2 Timothy 4:1-3

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law." ~Galations 5:22-23

"Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is." ~Ephesians 5:15-17

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints."
~Ephesians 6:10-18

First Day Back...

So I really have a lot to say right now. A ridiculous amount of thinking has been going on in my mind all day today. It is exhausting! I'm so tired from thinking yet I can't even go to sleep because of it! But as I was saying, I have a lot I would like to write out but unfortunately I just don't feel like writing tonight. So, in short. Today was alright. Classes seem good so far; hard, but good. Breakaway was amazing tonight! (When is it not?) I'm excited that we will be talking about David all this semester. I'm really looking forward to the new series. It was after Breakaway when the "blah" part of the day really hit. I've been trying so hard to hold every emotion I've been experiencing in that finally I just burst into tears. Way too much thinking will do that to you. I have so many questions I really wish I could ask, but I can't. So many things I wish I could do, but I can't. I feel so lost and alone. I've been listening to Brandon Heath a lot lately and every single song on his CD is perfect for my life. I mean perfect. Every emotion, every struggle, every hurt, everything! He writes it out perfectly. The CDs mix emotions about love, God, and pain describes my exact mixed thoughts in my head. I love finding artists who relate so well to you. Like you feel like they know you personally. Makes me smile thinking about it. :) I really strive to do the same in the songs I write. But that is another topic. As for now, I'm going to try to get some sleep.

Ben Stuart opened with this verse and it is one I've really taken to heart:

"But the Lord said to Samuel, 'Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart'." ~1 Samuel 16:7

At the Foot of the Cross

Today. Today was good. Or well? Just a little tip, I'm terrible when it comes to grammar so forgive me now because I will be writing what I'm thinking (which is not proper grammar at all). So anyways....

Today was decent. I spent 5 hours sitting in Indian-style working on a painting for my mother. I'm very pleased with it so far. Not much left to do on it. I think it's my best yet. Other than that, it has been a pretty lazy day, but as some lazy days do, it came with plenty of time to think. Quite a bit has been going on in my life lately, much of which is hard to take in at once. Learning to cope with these new discoveries and awarenesses is really taking a tole on my mind, my soul, and my heart. It is rough, I tell you what, but I knew from the start things weren't going to be a bundle of daisies. What hurts the most for me, is I can't help but ask myself, why didn't I take action sooner? I know I was scared, but mostly I didn't think anything was seriously wrong with me. So I sat and painted and thought. I thought about how this one discovery changes everything. If only I had known sooner? Is it even that big of a deal? I know it is because my heart is telling me every single second that goes by. It hurts more and more everyday as I slowly begin to put things together, begin to match up my wrongs and insecurities, and realize I need help. I've needed help. So now I'm seeking it physically, mentally, and spiritually. Oh how much it hurts to bring out my darknesses into God's light. The constant thinking what have I done, what have I done! I can't help but fall to my knees and cover my head with my hands in shame. I don't want anyone to see me. To see me for who I really am. I wish so badly I could take everything back. Rewind several years back and start new. But I can't. I can't change what I've done. But I can change who I have become.

I love to sing and play guitar. It is my passion and my dream. It is who I am. I love to write songs; every single one of them a little piece of my heart. I love to play worship music. There is always a song that goes along with how I feel or what I am going through at moments in my life. So a song instantly came into my mind today. Once it did, I pulled out the sheet music and my guitar and started wailing away. I'm not totally positive at what the title is but I'm going to call it

"At the Foot of the Cross"

At the foot of the cross,
where grace and suffering meet,
You have shown me Your love,
through the judgment You received.
And You've won my heart,
yes You've won my heart, now I can...

Trade these ashes in for beauty,
and wear forgiveness like a crown.
Coming to kiss the feet of mercy,
I lay every burden down,
at the foot of the cross.

At the foot of the cross,
where I am made complete.
You have given me life,
through the death You bore for me.
And You've won my heart,
yes You've won my heart, now I can...

Trade theses ashes in for beauty,
and wear forgiveness like a crown.
Coming to kiss the feet of mercy,
I lay every burden down,
at the foot of the cross.



These lyrics move me to tears every time and the music is incredible! To believe that God can take my ashes, my shame, and turn it into something beautiful, forgiving me for everything! Everything! I love the part "I lay every burden down"...because that is what God wants us to do. Come as we are, imperfect and broken, and lay it at His feet. Lay everything at His feet. God is amazing!

Scared

I'm scared.

I have a big day ahead of me tomorrow and I'm not really looking forward to it.

Please be in prayer for me.

Stranded at Lake?

So, I will probably be making some posts back to back since I have been wanting to start writing sooner and just now got around to actually doing it. All of them have been itching to step out of my mind, so here we go...

It was Saturday, January 3rd, when a huge realization hit me. I am just like my dad. I've know for quite some time now that my dad and I share very similar qualities but it wasn't until we were stranded out in the middle of the lake on a jetski that this had become evident. It was a beautiful, sunny day so Dad, Mom, and I (as well as our new puppy, Lucy) took advantage of it and decided to take the old jetski for a spin on the lake. (FYI: My dad just bought an old jetski recently to fix up; he just got it running that day.) My dad was testing it out, cutting sharp turns here and there, making sure it was running smoothly and from what we could tell it was! So I hopped on behind him, excited to actually be out on the lake again (though it was freezing considering the time of year!) We were gunning it full speed hitting turns here and there when all of a sudden it died. No hesitation, nothing, just dead. Both my dad and I had no idea what had happened. After several attempts of restarting it, we came to the conclusion it was time to paddle. Luckily I had worn my flip-flops which quickly turned into our means of getting from the middle of the lake to the nearest shoreline. As frustrated as we both were we couldn't help but laugh at the situation and I immediately claimed this was going in my journal.

My dad and I both teamed up and 30 minutes later got us back to shore. We could both swim in the water if we wanted to; our arms and legs were numb. As we were paddling as hard as we could (we were scared we were taking in water, about to sink), I could tell my dad was fighting back anger not only with the jetski but with me. In difficult situations my dad tends to get upset rather easily, one of the qualities I've noticed I've begun to take on. But in this moment, my dad did not get upset with me, instead he encouraged me to keep going, accepted my suggestions, and continued to tell me I was doing good. I knew my dad and I were a lot alike at the moment because yes, we both get upset easily, but with commitment and determination to get to where we know we need to be, we fight for it, and we fight for it the right way. We were fighting to reach the shoreline in time and we were fighting for it with the proper tools: encouragement and love.

Both my dad and I sometimes forget that we cannot do things on our own. I know several people can relate. We fight for things the wrong way and because of that, we end up getting angry or upset because things do not get better or they end up getting worse.

I really connected with my dad that day and could not have been happier to share that experience with him. Once we got the jetski safely back on the trailer we couldn't help but laugh and continue to share that story over and over again with everyone. I can picture how it would have been like if instead of encouraging one another we got angry. I know for sure it would not have been a story to share with others.

When we work through difficult situations with Christ by our side, the ending is so worth it and definitely worth telling!

"A Second Chance"

So, I've recently started this new blog and named it "A Second Chance" for a reason. I use to blog quite often a few years ago but stopped once I entered the busyness of college, so I will do my best to keep up with it. I wanted to name my blog "A Second Chance" because of the recent awarenesses I've discovered looking back at my life. I have come a long way since my acceptance of Christ. He has brought me through some extraordinary moments, big and small, some great, some not so great. Through it all, He has never left my side. Unfortunately I began to leave His. Not only did I just leave His side, I walked to the clear opposite end, and I did it all without ever really noticing. I have given this blog the name "A Second Chance" becomes even though I have fallen so far away from my Father, He still has yet to leave my side. He continues to pull me out of the pit of darkness, brush off the ashes of hatred and shame, and remind me constantly that I am good enough; that no matter what I've done He always gives me a second chance. A forgiven, second chance to get back up and try again with Him.

So here I am. Broken. Lost. But I am not alone; and I am not hopeless.

"You, O God the Lord, deal with me for Your name's sake; because Your mercy is good, deliver me. For I am poor and needy, and my heart is wounded within me." ~ Psalm 109: 21-22

"Restore to me the joy of Your salvation, and uphold me by Your generous Spirit." ~ Psalm 51:12

God never leaves our side. And even though we sometimes get so caught up in this world and loose sight of who we really are He can restore us and make us new and alive once again in Him.